I am tired.
I am stressed, I am overwhelmed. I am emotional.
I am missing everyone I’ve ever loved.
I haven’t left yet and still I am missing my mother already, missing the way she knows me. I’m missing my dad and the way he takes care of me.
I am missing my family, my friends, and everyone who walks with me down life’s hard path. All the ones who know me, who love me, who keep my soul safe.
I miss my grandmother. I miss her stubbornness and her heart and her smile. I miss the way her hair smelled like Pantene.
I’m hard on myself tonight. Through the stress of preparation, I’ve eaten so much comfort food that I am uncomfortable. Tonight I sit bloated and angry and guilty.
And yet underneath all the carnage is the knowing of how good my God is. How he shows up for me – yes, even here when I miss everyone including people I hardly know and I’ve eaten almost everything in my pantry.
Because my God is not a God who changes his mind. He’s not a God of blended shade. My God is for me. Period.
I am overwhelmed with the truth that I can’t mess things up, that he loves me and will keep on loving no matter how much I eat or how many damn times I blow it.
Because he is not a God of sometimes.
Sometimes pleased, sometimes disappointed. Sometimes loving, sometimes withholding. Sometimes patient, sometimes withdrawing.
His nature and character fall consistent and constant. His kindness is irrevocable and his patience is inevitable.
He is not a God of sometimes.
I feel as though he is proud of me when I’m together, and he’s disappointed when I am falling apart. But if I’m honest I see that me ever having it together at all is just an illusion; and me ever falling apart is just a falling into place.
The only thing constant in my life is the boundless magnitude of God’s never changing grace.
Tonight I take the time to praise this God of consistency, this God who never backs down or looks away or wishes he never knew me.
Tonight I rest knowing that he is not a God of sometimes.